...it's a mad world...
Why does everyone always have to be mad at me....! mad mad mad. For everything I do. It's like... I know I'm not perfect, and in fact am far from it, but I generally have good intentions. I try... I guess I don't try hard enough. Somehow this seems to apply to everything. School, Dance, Friends.... mainly school. and friends....? I don't know. I mean, am I a lazy bum that just sits at home doing nothing and caring about nothing/nobody? I don't think so. I care. A lot.
Okay I know my life is really good and I shouldn't complain, but its not like if i sit and do nothing my life will be happy and wonderful. Obviously my life isn't happy and wonderful, so maybe I should try that. There are some people, that live their life, and without too much effort, be really happy about it most of the time. And obviously i am not one of them. Because PEOPLE ARE MAD AT ME. Its so aggravating. because i try so hard, and then i just get yelled at. and no, the yelling is not bad. its the stares that just make me feel so DUMB. like I did something HORRIBLE. Did I? Have I just been living this whole life, the wrong way? or something? I want to try harder. but i can't. I sometimes wonder.... whatever. haha that sounds really suicidal, and no that is not what i sometimes wonder about. you will never know.
I guess I should try harder in school. Do my ACT preps like a good girl. Trod up and down the stairs of uni everyday, being perfect. Then I can go home, and do some math. And maybe occassionally some other homework. I should then spend the rest of my time doing something wonderful and productive. like...volunteering. or....i don't know some extra curricular that is somehow better than dance. preferably something that doesnt make me feel good, so that i don't get too obsessed with it. because we wouldn't want that. Something mthat makes me look good and asian. Playing the violin. (sorry cool violin players, you are cool. but you know that IS stereotypical)
Maybe if i didnt need friends my life would be good. Like I'm sure my parents would be happier. If I didn't have this want, this need, to talk to people all the time. and listen. I don't care, I just want people. Its insane. I am not one of those people that can go through a day without that. talking, laughing, just hanging out. I used to be. did I? no. maybe not. god this post is so sucky.
I don't mean to rant. I don't like ranting to people, out loud, I don't like complaining. But i guess i complain anyways.
I guess i just wish, that somehow i could be that perfect girl. And then...I don't know what would happen. but maybe it would be better. I would be perfect, and i would always care about everything, think of everything. I would totemo get an A in math. but then i have one now too (score!) Okay no, people should appreciate that i am good just the way I am. and that i DO try. just because i fail does not mean i am a bad person.
*sigh* i feel better now. I love you all, i just needed to say that. although i still need reassurance that i am not a bad person/friend. hehe that is what beno is for. *hug*
P.S. This post was not, contrary to popular belief i'm sure, all about ariana. but i did think about leaving tof for a while, in the thought process.
P.P.S. I decided against it.
Okay I know my life is really good and I shouldn't complain, but its not like if i sit and do nothing my life will be happy and wonderful. Obviously my life isn't happy and wonderful, so maybe I should try that. There are some people, that live their life, and without too much effort, be really happy about it most of the time. And obviously i am not one of them. Because PEOPLE ARE MAD AT ME. Its so aggravating. because i try so hard, and then i just get yelled at. and no, the yelling is not bad. its the stares that just make me feel so DUMB. like I did something HORRIBLE. Did I? Have I just been living this whole life, the wrong way? or something? I want to try harder. but i can't. I sometimes wonder.... whatever. haha that sounds really suicidal, and no that is not what i sometimes wonder about. you will never know.
I guess I should try harder in school. Do my ACT preps like a good girl. Trod up and down the stairs of uni everyday, being perfect. Then I can go home, and do some math. And maybe occassionally some other homework. I should then spend the rest of my time doing something wonderful and productive. like...volunteering. or....i don't know some extra curricular that is somehow better than dance. preferably something that doesnt make me feel good, so that i don't get too obsessed with it. because we wouldn't want that. Something mthat makes me look good and asian. Playing the violin. (sorry cool violin players, you are cool. but you know that IS stereotypical)
Maybe if i didnt need friends my life would be good. Like I'm sure my parents would be happier. If I didn't have this want, this need, to talk to people all the time. and listen. I don't care, I just want people. Its insane. I am not one of those people that can go through a day without that. talking, laughing, just hanging out. I used to be. did I? no. maybe not. god this post is so sucky.
I don't mean to rant. I don't like ranting to people, out loud, I don't like complaining. But i guess i complain anyways.
I guess i just wish, that somehow i could be that perfect girl. And then...I don't know what would happen. but maybe it would be better. I would be perfect, and i would always care about everything, think of everything. I would totemo get an A in math. but then i have one now too (score!) Okay no, people should appreciate that i am good just the way I am. and that i DO try. just because i fail does not mean i am a bad person.
*sigh* i feel better now. I love you all, i just needed to say that. although i still need reassurance that i am not a bad person/friend. hehe that is what beno is for. *hug*
P.S. This post was not, contrary to popular belief i'm sure, all about ariana. but i did think about leaving tof for a while, in the thought process.
P.P.S. I decided against it.
